L’Chaim!

So, here I am again….

I did not have a phone for the whole weekend at home so was kept from my usual “on line” activities! It is actually amazing how bored one can get! If one can’t live in another world such as television or internet then one is forced to live in the reality of this existence. At this point and time (being today, as tomorrow I may feel differently) there seems nothing worse than living in one’s own world.

I have actually thought this is why people watch the news and such things, because then they get to watch someone else’s life and after comparing notes, one can actually determine that maybe your life isn’t as bad as say someone in Iraq or someone who has just lost their home in a tsunami! It’s not a nice idea that people could actually be that “inhumane” but I think it is an honest idea.

This weekend I’ve been confronted with two road accidents, which could have been me if timing had been a little different. In the last two weeks I have actually seen two happen right in front of me which was kinda scary, the other was a few minutes before I had arrived at the scene. I find it does give you a reality check and remind you that life is very fragile and finite. It makes me think that if I was to die this very minute or within the next 24 hours, would I be happy and would I be ready to die and have I lived my life to the fullest (if such a concept is actually possible)? In all honesty the answer to all of those is no.

It takes me back to a couple of years ago (already) when I was going to go sky-diving. I thought this was very exciting and just what I wanted to do. My mother, on the other hand was absolutely petrified when I told her. I succeeded in being dragged up into the plane for the tandem jump which I must say was a most thrilling experience, even though my coach or jump partner had had to pry my fingers away from the wing support and when we touched ground my legs were shaking and I felt like kissing the ground!

The next time(s) I was supposed to jump was to happen the following weekend however, every time there seemed to be a problem; either the sky was too cloudy or the plane wouldn’t work or the one time I even drove right past the turn off to the airport (by accident)! It was supposed to be third time lucky when we finally got up into the air. Everyone jumped but when it came to me and I took a look out of the open doorway, being hit by that absolutely incredible force of wind which literally knocks the breath out of you and I said “no”! They flew around for a second time thinking I might pick up courage along the way but “no” was still the answer and I was sticking to my story! My coach agreed that he wasn’t going to force me out; apparently as far as he was concerned there had been too many hiccups as well and if my gut said “no” then he wasn’t going to be responsible for anything going wrong.

Of course the chances of something going wrong are slim but they can and sometimes do happen. I will never know if something was going to go wrong that day and I don’t want to find out. All I knew was that as I looked out of the plane and saw the immensity of what I was thinking of doing, I didn’t feel ready to die that day. So far my gut feelings have never been wrong so why should I stop listening to them now! At the same time I hate heights!

I guess I am a paranoid and I have an obsession with death. Apparently this is what happens when one hasn’t dealt with the deaths that have taken place in one’s life. It doesn’t seem to matter how much time passes, it always feels like it only happened yesterday. They, who ever “they” are, say it gets better eventually….

So, L’Chaim! To life! Live life to the fullest! Dance as though no one is watching! Love as though you have never been hurt! Most of all, remember to smile because you never know who you may affect today. That is all I can say because that is all I try to do….